Weather Forecasts
I'm freezing my fucking balls off
Have a good Christmas everyone? Bet you're glad you didn't spend it chained to a mad Chinaman, locked inside a cell with nothing to eat but dog food. And I don't mean food intended for dogs. Fortunately, my captives were belatedly hit with the festive spirit yesterday and decided to put me back on a plane to England, provided I never write another negative thing about China again, and rebuke my previous report. I have to say, there's nothing better for an asthmatic than to breathe in some clean, fresh smog of a morning. And you've got to taste their dog food, its something else.
Weekend
I'm freezing my fucking balls off. Tell you what though, the place to be right now is that former colony of ours, Hong Kong. Now owned by China, the average temperature there has shot up by about three quarters of a degree on average each year on pre-industrial levels. The Chinese are firmly committed to making their whole country hotter, and Hong Kong is currently reaping the benefits with the mercury hitting a T-shirt-inducing 20 degrees this weekend.
Monday
While Britain collectively shudders at the thought of another frosty commute, the Chinese are working around the clock, without lunch breaks, in order to make everywhere warm and snuggly. Although closely pursued by the US in the race to burn as much fossil fuel as possible, China still claims to be the world's number one carbon-burning country. Imagine living in a greenhouse - that's China all day long. Even at night.
Tuesday
Flights to China cost as little as £200 one way (you won't want to go back), so why not see what this fabulous country has to offer? Forget outer space, the only place to see the Great Wall of China is China. What are you waiting for? If you go now you won't have to put up with another series of Dancing on Ice, or, for that matter, Phillip Schofield.
Wednesday
China may not have a democracy, but what it does have is a very effective police force. Any crime committed in China is punished swiftly and ruthlessly. There's no messing about here with things like witness statements, lawyers or court hearings, let alone justice. It's jail from the very start, right up until the bitter end.
Thursday
Ever lamented the laborious trek to your nearest Chinese takeaway? Well in China, every takeaway is a Chinese takeaway. Think about it.
Friday
Cold, very cold. Nuts. Frozen. Why? We're obsessed in this country with going "green". Turning off light bulbs, all that bollocks. Open your eyes, Britain. It's not getting any warmer so you needn't worry, moreover, you're saving so much carbon that we're now on the verge of a new ice age. And in the mean time, I know somewhere that's hot. Very hot. Just do me a favour and bring a bloody oxygen mask with you when you go there.
