News Headlines
Murdoch Orgasm Stains British Conscience
Gallons of Australian semen exploded all over Britain today, leaving a sticky stain on the country's soul.
Rupert Murdoch's British media network finally let out a synchronised, screaming sigh of relief as the man they had been sleeping with for six months entered 10 Downing Street for the first time as prime minister, on Tuesday night.
The deal between David Cameron's Conservative Party and Nick Clegg's Liberal Democrats drove the Ozzie media mogul to a sudden, overdue climax in this morning's newspapers.
An editorial in The Times reported: "Oh fuck. Oh yeah. Keep going David, that's it, that's the spot. Right there. Fuck. Oh shit, oh shit, oooooohhhhhhh yeahhhhhhhh."
Since Thursday's inconclusive election result, Murdoch's News Corporation has engaged in a pathetic, sexually-frustrated campaign to thrust Cameron into Westminster's fun zone.
The Sun's embarrassing seduction technique utilised a large proportion (but not a majority) of Ann Summers' spring catalogue. The tabloid's gratuitous flirting ignored the fact that their man's opposition to electoral reform was the very reason his penis was failing to fully penetrate.
Today's leading article stated: "Aaaaarrrrrrrrggggghhhhh fuck that felt fucking good you sexy, sexy leader of the Conservative Party.
"Now destroy Ofcom, or we'll shaft Harriet Harman."
Installed as deputy prime minister, Nick Clegg's five days of foreplay paid off when he was given permission to fondle his choice of Sky Sports News presenters.
"Whoever I shag," he said in a statement to Lib Dem MPs, "it will be in the national interest."
"Take it, bitch, take it," Sky News political correspondent Adam Boulton bellowed to viewers after a press conference confirmed Cameron's coalition would be in place for five years.
"Fuck, fuck, shit, fuck," added Kay Burley. "Oh God, I really am a filthy fucking slut."
In other news, Her Majesty The Queen has been named Parliamentary Under Secretary of State for Rural Affairs.
