News Headlines
Third TV Leaders' Debate To Be Staged Inside 16ft Steel Cage
The leaders of Britain's top three political parties will contest the third and final live television debate inside a 16-foot steel cage, under the authority of Stone Cold Steve Austin.
The move is seen as an attempt to encourage Gordon Brown, Nick Clegg and David Cameron to annihilate each other prior to the General Election on 6th May.
If the prime-ministerial candidates are, as hoped, electorally incapacitated by the brutal career-threatening bout, voters will instead have the option to elect a leader who does not support an unpopular, bloody war and the massacre of the Afghan population.
A spokesman for Grim Reaper Productions, which is staging Thursday's show, said: "By hosting the debate inside a 16-foot-high cage of steel, in front of an intoxicated audience, the three leaders will be forced to drop their prepared soundbites and pathetic posturing and instead rip each other to pieces.
"Literally."
Last night, in the second television debate screened live on Sky News, all three leaders reaffirmed their commitment to infinite growth on a finite planet, victimising immigrants, ignoring world poverty and killing people. Now, they will get the chance to kill each other.
"About fucking time," said one Bristolian. "This is the ultimate way to politically engage the blood-thirsty majority of the UK's electorate."
Since details of the steel cage, Stone Cold arrangements emerged this morning, the three party leaders have hit the gym to practice their finishing moves.
David Cameron, who will fight under the name 'U-Turn Warrior', is expected to utilise his athleticism by performing a 450-degree splash off the top rope, a move banned by World Wrestling Entertainment.
Lib Dem leader Nick Clegg, competing as 'King Clegg', has been practising a modified German suplex and the 'Scaled-Down Atomic Leg Drop'.
Gordon Brown, who will go by his new moniker, 'The Cock', will employ the same 'People's Elbow' move used to assault Alistair Darling during the financial crisis.
Steve Austin told The Taxman: "The steel cage is a brutal environment designed to inflict maximum punishment on those foolish enough to step inside it.
"My job will be to block any outside interference from ass holes like Rupert Murdoch, Alastair Campbell, George Osbourne and YouGov.
"What everyone wants to see is these three men shut the hell up for once, and just get on with beating the holy shit out of each other. Preferably with weapons.
"That should then leave you all free to vote for Caroline Lucas."
Added Austin: "And that's the bottom line... because Stone Cold said so."
