News Headlines
Cameron Asks Britain Out for Dinner
David Cameron has unveiled the winning entries in the Conservative Party's nationwide policy hunt.
Speaking blindfolded while balancing on one leg, to an audience of bribed psychiatric patients, in a room lit with scented candles, at Battersea Power Station, the Tory leader announced this morning that his party's election manifesto now contained something.
"Britain, have I got an amazing offer for you. We've been asking members of the public to write to us with their policy ideas for the last four years, and here today, I announce the winning entries.
"Top of the list is five-year-old Tommy Sherman's suggestion to 'help everyone and give me free ice cream'. Well, the good news Tommy is that we are indeed going to help everyone. By everyone of course, I mean those eligible to vote. Don't worry son, I've returned a Cornetto in the post.
"The other winning policies, forming the basis of our election manifesto, are 'make things better', 'be nice', 'leave us alone' and 'put bad people in jail'.
"This is what I have to offer you, Britain. Now let me take you out for dinner. Voters, let me wine and dine you. Buy me, buy me."
The manifesto is titled 'I Can't Be Bothered To Do Anything Myself'. Its introduction, written by one of Cameron's children, reads: "Daddy says Labour wants to take my pocket money. Brown bad. Daddy good. Conservative Party make bad things good again. Yay!"
Conservative strategists have welcomed the replacement of Cameron's policy vacuum with a gaseous manifesto clearly convecting the thermal agenda of a new Tory diffusion.
Said an inside source: "The problem Cameron faced was how to appeal to the stupid British masses. Well, stupid is as stupid does. If Cameron's hot air keeps people warm, they'll vote for him. Ahhh, cuddly."
Meanwhile, in the Conservative heartlands of Middle England, party activists have given their verdict. "I'll vote for a sheep so long as it's wearing a blue ribbon," one Tory from deepest South Warwickshire told us, here at The Taxman.
He continued: "Tell you what though pal, and I ain't being racist or nothing, but I'm fed up of those black fucking niggers hanging round my street corner talking and laughing and all that business. If Cameron gets rid of them, I'm 'appy."
To accompany the launch of the Conservative Party's manifesto, a new billboard advertisement asks voters whether they are "old or young", "rich or poor", "black or white", "man or woman", "homosexual or homophobic", "all or none of the above?".
"If so," it continues, "you should join us in government. Why? Because we can't be fucked."
Asked what his own personal input to his party's new policy document had been, Cameron said: "Who, me? Davey Cam? You gotta be kiddin' ha'nt chya? Davey Cam don't waste his valuable time thinking about silly little policies, you mug.
"'Specially not durin' an election when Davey Cam's time is split between telly shows, talkin' shit, lickin' arse, talkin' more shit, makin' babies and shaggin' your wife. Beautiful she was. Blah blah blah, look at my shiny face. Mug."
The Tory leader added: "Want a new prime minister? The name's David Cameron. Goodnight and God bless."
