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Arms Dealer Admits Putting Profits Before Death
The beleaguered weapons manufacturer, BAE Systems, has finally admitted that it places the pursuit of profit above other "noble aims" such as war, genocide and lowering child mortality rates.
The admission comes a week after BAE was ordered to pay out £285 million in sanctions for its corruption and bribery in arms deals over three decades - nearly 14 percent of its £2 billion annual profits and a penalty likely to put a massive dent in the champagne budget for the AGM.
"Look, I'll be completely honest with you," BAE chief executive Ian King told The Taxman without blinking in an exclusive interview this morning, "profits are more important than all this war and death stuff. We think it's a sad day when we sell a gun and it never gets used to kill anything, but, hey, you can't shoot everyone. Some things are more important than death.
"We proved that when we sold all that radar technology to Tanzania in 2001, after sweetening those politician guys. We knew those African bunks weren't going to kill anyone with it. The poor sods didn't even have an air force for fucks sake - they just needed to land their passenger jets safely! Ha ha, we had a good laugh about that one.
"Like I say, killing is great, but the most important thing is clinching the deal. If we hadn't been the ones selling gear to Tanzania, they would have got a cheap deal with those poncey French air traffic controllers instead. They'd probably have used the money they saved from it to build schools and hospitals or some shit like that. Christ! Can you imagine!
"Clearly, we love a good genocide, militia terror campaign, Western invasion etc etc; but shareholders come first. Any death which results from us selling weapons illegally, is, quite frankly, just a bonus."
Last week's admission of guilt from BAE covered the £43 billion deal with Saudi Arabia and a number of smaller deals across Eastern Europe, as well as the £28 million Tanzania job, following joint investigations by the Serious Fraud Office and the department of justice in Washington DC. No-one will be held to account, no-one charged, and BAE will not face blacklisting; because the SFO are a bunch of wimps.
"Ha ha ha, yeah, we were pretty chuffed when we clinched the SFO deal," King continued. "We also got them to drop their six-year investigation into our other bribes. Hey, now off the record for a moment little hack; you need some guns, eh? Something to keep the family safe? You never know when we might pay them a visit. Hmm?
"What? The only weapon you need is your pen? What fucking damage do you think you're going to do with that?"
