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Dubai Ruler Says New Skyscraper "Bigger Than My Cock"
The new tallest building in the world exceeds the length and girth of the Dubai crown prince's own phallus, it was declared at today's opening ceremony.
Among many record-breaking feats, boasted UAE prime minister Sheikh Mohammed Bin Rashid Al Maktoum, the 828-metre tall, £1 billion Burj Khalifa tower has 160 floors, 28,000 windows, 500,000 square metres of office space; the world's highest restaurant, swimming pool, mosque, observation deck; and, "is just about bigger than my cock".
The lavish opening ceremony saw a spectacular fireworks display light up the Gulf coast skyline, despite the building remaining largely empty and unoccupied. "There was a day when no-one thought it ever possible to build something taller than my own todger," said Sheik Mohammed. "But here it is."
The hideous structure - completed thanks to 22 million hours of immigrant slavery over six years - has been renamed in honour of Abu Dhabi chief and UAE president Sheikh Khalifa bin Zayed Al Nahayan, in a deal that has nothing whatsoever to do with December's £15 billion rescue loan for debt-ridden Dubai.
"It is beautiful, my shaft, just like this building before us," Sheikh Mohammed continued. "And, like my soul, the Burj Khalifa is completely hollow and empty on the inside. There's nothing in there at all, save for bitter, twisted greed and shameful insolence."
He added: "Thanks, Sheik Khalifa, for all your help. But I still have the bigger joystick. Look, it's massive."
Just £200 billion worth of construction projects in Dubai now remain to be completed, including three artificial palm islands, the world's most expensive airport, the world's largest shopping mall, the world's largest theme park, the world's largest sports complex and a man-made archipelago dubbed 'The World'. Still at the drawing stage is a life-size island replica of Sheik Mohammed's penis.
"Dubai is now the very physical embodiment of free-market capitalism and oil-based wealth," commented Mohamed Ali Alabbar, chairman of Burj Khalifa developer Emaar Properties.
"It is one big cock raping the world's poor in the ass."
