News Headlines
World Leaders Finally Agree To Destroy Planet
After two years of hard negotiations, the leaders of the world have finally come to an agreement on climate change: Let it destroy the planet and everything on it.
The oil, coal, petrochemical, motor, aviation, shipping, agrofuel, banking and energy generation industries have each described the Copenhagen Accord as a 'landmark deal' that will 'radically change the way we all die'.
An Exxon Mobil spokesman announced: "Until now we have all been mindless consumers, unable to consider our impact on the planet and the damage we are doing to it. But thanks to the Copenhagen Accord, the way forward is now clear.
"We know now that we are all going to burn in hell, grilling our bloated bodies on the barbecue of market fundamentalism and roasting our souls in the oven of political impotence.
"So we can forget about our nightmarish future and get back to sucking every drop of hope out of our miserable present."
For much of the 15th annual UNFCCC conference, held inside the Danish capital's Bella Center, it looked as though a deal between the 192 national governments gathered would be out of reach.
Corporate lobbyists complained of interference from pesky NGOs like Oxfam and Friends of the Earth, while peaceful demonstrators prevented stretch limousines from approaching the facility.
Thankfully, from Monday, a blanket ban on charitable and good-willing organisations entering the building was enforced by security staff, enabling negotiators inside to plot the downfall of our ecosystems in peace and quiet.
On the outside, Danish police fought hard to suppress and violently overpower any disobedient citizens who dressed in a way they disapproved of.
"It was a real team effort," beamed Danish prime minister Lars Lokke Rasmussen.
"At one point, I thought those interfering charities and environmental groups would get their way and really water this deal down, but thankfully, we stopped them from doing that and made sure the minority voice of undemocratic capitalist greed could be heard loud and clear.
"As for those demonstrators outside, I don't know who gave them the idea that they were entitled to any human rights, but we certainly put them in their place. Fuck yeah."
However, the historic deal reached at the end of an exhausting two weeks in Copenhagen is being criticised today for its lack of specific targets and financial commitments.
"Without any indication of how and when the world will end, this deal is basically meaningless. At the very least we need a timetable in place to allow us to meticulously plan our horrific genocide," UK climate change secretary, Ed Miliband, told the The Taxman.
"It's almost as if some world leaders would rather 95 percent of everything on Earth didn't have to die in a glorious man-made extinction event that makes the end of the dinosaurs look like an episode of The Teletubbies.
"In particular, China doesn't seem to care how the world ends, so long as it doesn't interfere with their plans to dominate it for centuries to come."
