News Headlines
Daily Mail Full Of Rubbish
The offices of the Daily Mail in Kensington, London, are full of decaying, repugnant piles of nauseating, filthy rubbish.
Now the problem has been made even worse by editor Paul Dacre's decision to launch a campaign against wheelie bins, as thousands of bags of odious waste is now being sent to the Mail directly by readers.
Tonnes and tonnes of stinking slop already gets written by reporters each day, but the matter has been brought to a hideous head this week as the paper's Northcliffe House premises bulges with reams and reams of refuse that has also been posted in.
"Oh shit, oh shit, where's all this crap coming from?" Mr Dacre asked his staff on Monday. "I thought Littlejohn had a day off?"
The unfortunate smell has also wafted over to the adjacent offices of The Independent, where copy is better known for being bottled and sold at nearby fragrance specialists on Kensington High Street. "This is bad, even by the Mail's standards," one reporter told us, here at The Taxman.
"I mean, it usually stinks something rotten, but we've had all the windows open today, stuffed blankets under the doors, whacked the air con on max and still we can smell it. Melanie Phillips hasn't become chief reporter, has she? That would explain it."
Last month, the Daily Mail, as the UK's second-biggest selling national daily paper and number one producer of poo, officially launched its 'Not In My Front Yard' campaign against local councils imposing fortnightly collections and yet more ghastly wheelie bins on to its flock of retarded readers.
"Householders are rising up in rebellion against the scourge of the wheelie bin," a leading article wrote. It continued: "So instead, we say rubbish should be printed and redistributed throughout the Kingdom, just like the way we do. Councils, please, follow our example and allow residents to sell their rubbish for 50p every weekday, 80p on Saturdays and special-edition rubbish for £1.50 each Sunday."
Much to the Mail's annoyance, however, residents have responded by sending their shit direct to Derry Street. Added a panicked Dacre: "Where can we put it? The letters page is already full!"
Rival newspapers suggested the problem could simply be solved if all Mail staff were sacked and deposited neatly inside wheelie bins, ready for collection by Kensington and Chelsea Borough Council in two weeks' time.
