News Headlines
Israel Invades Poland
Israel has invaded Poland.
The Jewish state's government says its indiscriminate killing of Poles 'unexpectedly' prompted the launching of homemade fireworks from Warsaw, in the vague direction of Tel Aviv.
And Israel has responded by invading Poland and claiming it as its own.
"Warsaw's noise and light pollution will not be tolerated any longer," Israeli prime minister Ehud Olmert told reporters as he entertained them with brunch and coffee in his living room this morning.
"Zerstoren sie! Schnell!" he blurted after they'd left.
The US has responded by stepping-up efforts to provide Israel with more weapons than common sense.
President George Bush said: "I cannot think of a better way to end my presidency than by providing Israel with the necessary equipment to commit an unforgiving and brutal act of genocide.
"May Poland burn long into Obama's reign."
Meanwhile, Israel is still raging war in Gaza. The democratically-elected Hamas party say their neighbour's attempts to get them to like them by killing as many Palestinians as possible has not worked.
A Hamas spokesman said: "First they steal our homes and our land, now they kill our wives and our children. Shall we avenge their deaths, or become Jew? Let me think."
Back in Poland, Israeli troops have advanced to Warsaw, the scene of last night's fireworks display.
"Jeder muss sterben!" soldiers have been heard to cry.
