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Christmas Cancelled
Christmas this year has been cancelled, as millions of Britons are now unable to consume at the level required.
The recession means that the three core values of Christmas - shopping, spending and eating - are now financially untenable for the average hard-working family, leading to the downfall of capitalism's most cherished payday.
"It is with regret that I must announce the cancellation of Christmas," said Santa in a hastily-arranged press conference somewhere in Lapland, attended by one reporter and his husky.
"Christmas just wouldn't be Christmas without pointless, expensive presents and huge, under-exercised turkeys. Unfortunately the recession - and the collapse of Woolworths - means that the cosy, warm, self-indulgent feeling of needless consumerism just wouldn't be possible for the average Briton.
"As the man around whom Christmas is based, it falls upon me to say enough is enough. We can't afford to have Christmas this year."
The news is a blow to Prime Minister Gordon Brown, who was hoping that his recent new tax measures would help him turn the economy around and get it headed back towards the consumption of everything in the universe, as fast as possible.
"Extreme times call for extreme measures, and I fully appreciate Santa's concerns," said Mr Brown. "However, Mr Claus will certainly not be getting a Christmas card from me this year.
"Cancelling the ancient capitalist tradition of buying shit and giving it to the people we love, and many more whom we hate, is a set-back to my mission of eating the world and everything on it.
"Oh well, I guess I could borrow the Moon for a little while to help whet our appetites again. It is made of cheese, after all."
Meanwhile, a replacement of Christmas has been mooted by the religious organisation, Christianity. It would involve giving thanks and spending quality time with friends and family. The occasion could even be used to mark the date of the birth of Jesus Christ.
Gordon Brown commented: "Jesus? What does he know about economics? If anyone's birthday should be celebrated it's mine - I know more on economics than the father, the son and the holy spirit."
