News Headlines

Government Strike Multi-Quadrillion Pound Deal With Devil

11th October 2008

The British government have moved to ease credit-flow problems in Hell by handing Satan £666,000,000,000,000 (666 trillion) in cash, with a further £6,000,000,000,000,000 (six quadrillion) available by postal order.

The much-anticipated pact with the Devil is an attempt to ease the unprecedented liquidity crisis in Hell's molten melting-pots.

"Help me, help me please! We have many, many more evil deeds to exact on the uncorrupted and innocent," begged Satan to Chancellor Alistair Darling yesterday.

"You must allow the evil to spread further, you will cease to exist without us!"

In signing the landmark deal, Mr Darling is alleged to have also sold his soul. "It is not evil's fault that so many evil deeds have been struck in this evil world run by evil," he told the House of Commons before cutting his hands with a blade and signing the quadrillion-pound pact with his blood.

The deal is also set to included a clause requiring that "the Devil try as hard as possible to pay the money back within an unspecified period of time".

Mr Darling continued: "Everybody depends on Hell to survive, I know because Satan told me himself yesterday. This financial package is just about helping Satan to do what he's traditionally done; to cheat, lie, steal and torture people for eternity.

"All of our problems are evil's fault, so it is up to us to make sure that we give the master of evil, Satan, all the money he needs in order to solve them. I would also encourage other nations to follow our lead.

"If we are to overcome this crisis, it is imperative that we give Satan every last penny that we have, allowing us to sit back and trust that he sorts it all out fairly and squarely."

Asked where the six quadrillion would be coming from, Darling responded: "The taxman is raiding your piggy banks as I speak. If you're lucky, you'll still have enough money to pay your bills - although I doubt it. Oh well, I'm sure Satan will be able to lend you some money."

Satan added: "Now you will pay, now you will all pay!! It's mine!! ALL MINE!... Except Iceland, I hate ice."