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Credit Crunch Not As Good As Other Breakfast Cereals

Disasters of epic proportions are currently hitting the Western World regions of Wall Street and The City, with thousands of capitalist profiteers no longer wearing their suits.

In what is collectively being dubbed 'the credit crunch', where once there were puppet-masters smiling and dancing free atop great mountains of pretty green paper; there now lie cold, dark, empty vaults.

Sitting inconsolable aboard their yachts, the former suits face a stark future of living inside huge, great mansions and driving around in huge, great cars.

The cause of the catastrophe is being laid at the polished Gucci loafers of those same over-exuberant suits, who have spent the last two decades playing so hard with their toys that this week they all broke into tiny, pathetic little pieces.

"Where's my collateralised mortgage obligation?" cried one City worker as he left his office for the last time this morning. "It's broken!! Wah wah wah!!!"

The governments of Britain and America have declared states of emergency in the affected areas and are rapidly deploying more green bits of paper in the hope that the capitalist profiteers of the future will have plenty left to wipe their asses on. The futures of those living in the real world depend on those same governments from realising the fallacy of the free market system.

"I don't know what all the fuss is about," an investment banker told us, here at The Taxman, over breakfast. "This credit crunch isn't as good as other cereals." Bailed out by the state, he went back to work. A tough day of destroying the hopes and dreams of millions lay ahead, not to mention opening all of those huge, great bonuses.

Meanwhile, the poverty-stricken rural landscapes of East Africa woke up to a real disaster. There was no food to be eaten at all.

The Taxman is a satirical newspaper conceptualised and written by James Cracknell. All events depicted on this website are fictional and haven't actually taken place, although we, here at The Taxman, expect them to happen in the very near future.

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