News Headlines
Mugabe "Not Evil Enough"
World leaders have hit out at Zimbabwe tyrant Robert Mugabe for not quite being evil enough to do anything about.
Prime Minister Gordon Brown instructed Mugabe yesterday to "pull the finger out" if he wants to be held in the same regard as legendary evil dictators such as Saddam Hussein or Adolf Hitler.
"Mugabe's rigged what, three elections? Maybe four? At least he's trying to be democratic," said Brown.
Other world leaders who rate Mugabe's level of evil below that which obliges them to do anymore than fuck all include US President George Bush, South African President Thabo Mbeki and UN Secretary General Ban Ki-moon.
On Monday, Bush said: "He [Mugabe] needs to torture and kill at least another several thousand opposition supporters before I'm even going to think about invading his country. Wait - he doesn't have oil does he? That's okay then."
Mr Ki-moon says Zimbabwe can continue to be a member country of the UN so long as inflation didn't rise to 100,000,000 percent. "Now that would be going too far," he said.
Mbeki yesterday broke his silence on Mugabe by praising his efforts to lift 11 million Zimbabweans out of poverty. "Every last man, woman and child in Zimbabwe is a billionaire. A loaf of bread might cost 200 billion, but that's beside the point."
An African Union summit this week, meanwhile, resolved to continue supporting Mugabe's quest to be the most evil tyrant in the continent's history. "Go, Mugabe, go!" they all chanted.
Gordon Brown added: "I mean, it's not as if Zimbabwe's problems have got anything to do with us is it? It's not like it's a former colony of ours or anything."
Also In The News...
- 2008-12-30: Queen Insecure About Living In Palace
- 2008-11-28: Christmas Cancelled
- 2008-10-11: Government Strike Multi-Quadrillion Pound Deal With Devil
- 2008-09-18: Credit Crunch Not As Good As Other Breakfast Cereals
- 2008-08-21: GCSE Exams Now Easier Than Writing Headlines
- 2008-07-12: Rich Nations Agree On Climate Disagreement
- 2008-06-15: Police Lock-up Civil Liberty, Throw Away Key
- 2008-05-16: What Cyclone? Ask Burmese Junta
- 2008-05-01: Immigration Key Driver Of Emigration
- 2008-04-20: Torch-Snatching To Become Olympic Sport
- 2008-02-29: Obama Shot JFK, Claims Clinton
- 2008-02-03: Shell Oils To Fuel Cash-Burning Power Station
- 2007-11-27: Transport Secretary To Humanely Kill Billions Of People
- 2007-10-18: High Court Rules 2+2=4 "May Not Be Correct"
- 2007-09-25: Brown Unveils Nuclear Holocaust Plan
- 2007-09-14: Mindless Thugs Rebuild Community Centre
- 2007-08-31: Diana Died 10 Years Ago
- 2007-08-21: Climate Change Protestors' Al-Qaeda Plot
- 2007-07-31: Heavy Rain Blamed for Summer Floods
- 2007-05-19: Missing Child "Still Missing"
- 2007-04-07: BNP Leader Apologises for Abolishing Slavery
- 2007-02-21: Suspicious Circumstances Surrounding Conspiracy Theorist's Death
- 2007-01-05: Tony Blair Mauled By Pit Bull Terrier
- 2006-12-03: Chavez Vows To Fight "First World" Poverty
- 2006-11-27: Osama Bin Laden Gives Himself Up
- 2006-11-15: Top Gear's Clarkson Run Down By Speeding "Super Car"
- 2006-11-10: Rumsfeld Appointed As New Attack Secretary
- 2006-10-30: Parole Officer Dismayed At Prisoner's Refusal To Reoffend
- 2006-10-21: Fashion Victim Cautioned for Wearing Sunglasses On Overcast Day
- 2006-10-11: North Korea Launches Nuclear Prank Warhead
- 2006-10-03: US School Children To Be Issued With Firearms
- 2006-09-05: Bush Plot To Oust Schwarzenegger Foiled After Arnie Kills All The Bad Guys
- 2006-08-07: Bush Declares War On Mars
- 2006-07-30: Alarm Clocks "Bad For Your Health"
- 2006-04-29: Blair And Brown In Fly On the Wall Shocker
- 2006-01-25: Yesterday On the London Stock Market
- 2006-01-03: Government Cuts NHS
- 2005-12-09: International Disaster Kills Tens Of Millions
- 2005-09-29: Bush Declares War On the Atlantic Ocean
- 2005-08-23: 24-Hour Drinking: Zero Smoking
- 2005-05-03: Camilla In Affair With Peter Andre
- 2005-01-20: Tony Blair & Michael Howard Given Detention
- 2004-12-27: Old Lady, 103, Given ASBO
- 2004-08-28: Binge Drinking Is To Blame
- 2004-05-23: Queen Revealed As Big Brother Contestant
- 2004-04-12: Bush Declares War On Kyrgyzstan
- 2001-06-06: Prescott: He Deserved To Die