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Shell Oils To Fuel Cash-Burning Power Station
Oil company Royal Dutch Shell are to use their record-breaking £14 billion annual profits to fund a revolutionary new renewable energy development.
The Anglo-Dutch corporation are the first multinational in the world to pledge their profits to the cash-burning power station, giving lift-off for a project that will use energy company EOn's patented cash-burning furnace technology.
A spokesman for Shell says supplying the new power station is just one example of how the company is facing up to its environmental responsibility.
"As an oil company selling oil and profiting from the sale of that oil, it is imperative that we begin to invest in alternative fuel sources," he said. "Yesterday we opened our vaults, and £14 billion smacked us in the face. We thought, all this cash is going to waste, so why not put it to some use?
"By burning our obscene profits directly, we shall be turning our old profits into new profits," the spokesman continued. "In the same way as that bit in Jackass when the guy makes an omlet out of his regurgitated lunch, our profits shall be completely renewable from this day onwards."
Electricity generated from the new cash-burning power station will be available to buy on a new "cash tariff" from EOn, at just £20,000 per kilowatt-hour. Thousands of eco-morons have already signed up to the offer, as they look to dispense with their guilt in a way that allows them to continue living as carbon junkies.
EOn Chief Executive Wulf Bernotat told The Taxman: "It's a little bit more expensive than what you might normally pay to keep the lights on, but we understand that our customers are willing to pay more for electricity generated by renewable cash-burning."
Today's announcement is expected to be the catalyst for an influx of profits from companies suddenly waking up to the idea of generating electricity from burning cash.
Financial Times' associate editor and chief economic commentator Martin Wolf says the cash-burning power station will herald a new era in capitalist profiteering. "From this day hence, no company need ponder on the daily dilemma of what to do with those mountains of cash bundles," he said.
Meanwhile, the South Pacific island nation of Tuvalu continues to celebrate the announcement of Shell Oil's £14 billion annual profits. As many of the world's multinationals continue to profit from the burning of fossil fuels, the 10,000 inhabitants of Tuvalu's nine low-lying islands say they can't wait until the next high tide floods their beautiful home for good.
