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Transport Secretary To Humanely Kill Billions Of People
In the wake of fierce criticism following last week's announcement of a third runway at Heathrow Airport, which cemented Britain's indefensible hypocrisy and set an historical precedent that will ensure the deaths of billions of people this century from the effects of man-made climate change; Transport Secretary Ruth Kelly has announced a humane programme of genocide.
"Billions shall die in the name of British economic prosperity," said Kelly, wiping the blood from her hands with a baby wipe. "But they needn’t feel any pain."
The former education secretary explained that enough lethal injections to wipe out the third world would be produced at a new factory in her Bolton West constituency. "This new factory will generate thousands of jobs," she said, as her body temperature fell below zero degrees.
"It will give billions of impoverished people all around the world a chance to choose between taking their own lives in a simple and effective fashion, or waiting for the next flood/drought/storm (delete as applicable) to end their lives for them."
The announcement followed an impassioned speech by Prime Minister Gordon Brown on the atrocities currently being committed in Darfur. "I condemn the Sudanese government for supporting this act of genocide by Janjaweed militants," he said, crossing his fingers behind his back.
Ruth Kelly went on to state that the government's proposed carbon emissions targets would not be compromised by the expansion of Heathrow Airport, ignored as they were in any such calculations. "You are all fools! Fools I tell you!" she added.
