News Headlines
Bush Declares War On Mars
US president, George W. Bush, has declared war on the planet Mars.
It will be the most expensive war in history, costing millions of billions of trillions of dollars - money originally earmarked for building the first McDonalds on the moon.
In yesterday's announcement, the president explained why this latest war was an absolute necessity.
"Fellow US Americans, over the past few days it has become clear that we are facing an altogether new threat. In the war on terror, a new enemy has emerged.
"There is a new breed of terrorism from a faraway land that is more dangerous than any other threat we have faced before. I am of course talking about extra terrorists from the planet Mars.
"I have been aware about the possibility of extra terrorists for a number of years, ever since my friend Dick Cheney read to me the Big Bumper Book of Space shortly after I first took office.
"However, two days ago we received some intelligence in the form of a videotape. The tape was from extra terrorists and graphically portrayed major terrorist atrocities taking place in every major city of the world.
"The terrifying tape, entitled Independence Day, even showed what the extra terrorists intended to do to the White House itself.
"Having studied the footage I have come to the conclusion that there is only one course of action that we can take in order to safeguard all of American humanity across the globe. We must go to war with Mars.
"Extra terrorists are a threat to the entire cellular system and must be eliminated as soon as possible for the greater good of the galaxy. NASA has been extremely co-operative and is readily preparing the necessary rockets to launch our attack.
"I must now warn all Americans, from London to Canada and all those states in between, that this war will not be easy. Extra terrorists are an enemy unlike any other we have faced before. Let us hope that we exterminate those damned martians before they have time to launch the mothership. Good luck folks!"
Following the enlightening speech from president Bush, NASA called a press conference.
Administrator Michael Griffin said: "The president's declaration of war on Mars comes as a huge relief to all of us here at NASA.
"Ever since we completed our manned missions to the moon we have been wondering how in the hell we were ever going to land on Mars."
Asked why he thought Bush had decided to take this particular course of action, Mr Griffin said: "Blowing things up is always the easiest solution to any problem."
