News Headlines
Alarm Clocks 'Bad for Your Health'
The use of alarm clocks to wake us up in the morning may be bad for our long-term health, according to a new study.
Research into the effects of sleep disturbance has been conducted by first year students on the sleep management degree course at Bullshit University.
One student told us, here at The Taxman: "Hey man, like yeah, I did this experiment this morning where I set my alarm clock to wake me up really early at like, 10.30am. In the morning.
"As soon as it went off I was throwing up all over the floor man, it was seriously not good for me!"
The tax-dodger concluded that alarm clocks should be made illegal and that we should all just sleep until we can be bothered to get out of bed.
He added: "Whoa, killer hangover dude."
Although the students appear determined to eradicate all forms of practical sleep disturbance, the fabric of society itself could be at threat without new methods being developed.
Suggestions for less abrupt methods of waking up include electric shocks, blows to the head and the new phenomenon sweeping Iranian prisons: Toe burning.
Also in The Taxman today: Israel nukes Lebanon, Prince Harry uses offensive language and exclusive pictures of Charlotte Church's armpit hair.
Plus! The story of Blair and Brown's latest confrontation, which ended with both men under the wheels of David Cameron's SUV.
More on those stories in our free Sunday supplement.
For extra opinion, analysis and coverage of the shocking alarm clock revelations go to pages two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight and nine.
