News Headlines
Yesterday On the London Stock Market
On the London Stock Market last night the crucial FTSE 100 Share Index closed at 12 points down, amid concerns about future profits in the retail sector.
In northern Canada several Inuit stopped in the middle of building an igloo to travel 18 miles to the next village and report the shocking news of the FTSE 100 closing 12 points down. Only one of the courageous Intuit made it back alive.
In the Democratic Republic of Congo a tribesman shot himself with a poison dart, falling dead at the scene. In a suicide note written with his own blood, the man wrote: "I can't go on now that the FTSE 100 has closed at 12 points down, I have no reason to continue living this jungle life, it's all over!"
The FTSE 100 is a share index of the one hundred biggest companies to be listed on the London Stock Exchange. FTSE stands for Financial Times Stock Exchange and represents approximately 80% of the UK share market. For this reason it is seen as the main indicator of success for the British economy.
In Romania a plumber was reported to have thrown a spanner into the works upon hearing the news from London, causing a flood in an isolated shoe factory. Of the factory's workers, two drowned and 49 had to be airlifted off the roof as water lapped around their ankles. The dramatic event was not covered by Romanian media as they chose instead to tell the incredible story of how the FTSE 100 closed 12 points down.
And somewhere in the UK a wealthy shareholder lost a night's sleep as he lay in bed wondering whether or not tomorrow he would be a few quid wealthier. The rest of us slept soundly while dreaming of the day money would no longer matter.
