News Headlines
Yesterday On the London Stock Market
On the London stock market last night the crucial FTSE100 share index closed at twelve points down, amid concerns about profits in the retail sector.
In northern Canada several Inuit stopped in the middle of building an igloo to travel 18 miles to the next village and report the shocking news of the FTSE100 closing twelve points down.
Only one of the courageous Inuit made it back alive.
In the Democratic Republic of Congo a tribesman shot himself with a poison dart, falling dead at the scene.
In a suicide note written with his own blood, he wrote: "I can't go on now that the FTSE100 has closed at twelve points down, I have no reason to continue living this jungle life, it's all over!"
In Romania a plumber was reported to have thrown a spanner into the works upon hearing the news from London, causing a flood in an isolated shoe factory.
Of the factory's workers, two drowned and 49 had to be airlifted off the roof as water lapped around their ankles.
The dramatic event was not covered by Romanian media as they chose instead to tell the incredible story of how the FTSE100 closed twelve points down.
And somewhere in the UK, a wealthy shareholder lost a night's sleep as he lay in bed wondering whether tomorrow he would be a few quid wealthier.
The rest of us slept soundly while dreaming of the day money would no longer matter.
