News Headlines
24-Hour Drinking: Zero Smoking
As the government passes its new legislation, which will allow pubs and bars to open 24-hours a day, a new "Anti-Smoking Squad" has been set-up.
The specialist team will be patrolling our streets looking for people smoking in illegal places, such as 24-hour pubs. They have the authority to arrest on the spot anyone committing such an offence.
Meanwhile we, here at The Taxman, have been investigating the government's real reasons for introducing the new 24-hour drinking laws. A man in a suit told us that government research suggests that the problem of binge drinking lies in the fact that most young people today cannot handle their alcohol.
"The government believe the solution is 24-hour opening, to train youths how to handle their drink and to pace themselves over a longer period of time," he said.
Meanwhile the Anti-Smoking Squad, or "ASS", is to become the forth emergency service. 999 callers will be able to report incidents of lighting up in illegal places and the ASS will be there to arrest offenders in an average response time of 30 seconds.
Meanwhile the government also has controversial plans to fit every secondary school in the country with super-sized alcoholic vending machines.
The idea, claims our man in the suit, is that instead of underage teenagers drinking out of school where they can cause trouble, pupils will be able to drink in a safe environment where teachers can keep a watchful eye on how "intoxicated" they are becoming. It is hoped that this will also contribute to training teenagers on how to handle their drink, so that when they reach legal age they are able to stand up after 19 pints of Stella.
Meanwhile the ASS's new shoot-to-kill policy has come under fierce criticism after a Brazilian man was shot in the head eight times for sucking on a lollipop. The man died later in hospital.
