News Headlines
24-Hour Drinking: Zero Smoking
The New Labour government has announced that an Anti-Smoking Squad (ASS) will be set up to enforce the impending ban.
The specialist team will be patrolling our streets looking for people smoking in illegal places, such as 24-hour pubs. They have the authority to arrest on the spot anyone committing such an offence.
Meanwhile we, here at The Taxman, have been investigating the government's motive behind introducing the new 24-hour drinking laws.
A man in a suit told us that government research suggests binge drinking is caused by young people not being able to handle their alcohol.
"The government believe the solution is 24-hour opening, to train youths how to handle their drink and to pace themselves over a longer period of time," he said.
Meanwhile, the government's ASS is to become the forth emergency service. 999 callers will be able to report incidents of lighting up in illegal places and the ASS will be there to arrest offenders in an average response time of 30 seconds.
But the government also has controversial plans to fit every secondary school in the country with super-sized alcoholic vending machines.
The idea, claims our man in the suit, is that instead of underage teenagers drinking out of school where they can cause trouble, pupils will be able to drink in a safe environment where teachers can keep a watchful eye on how 'intoxicated' they are becoming.
It is hoped this will also contribute to training teenagers on how to handle their drink, so that when they reach legal age they are able to stand up after 19 pints of Stella.
Meanwhile, the new shoot-to-kill ASS policy has come under fierce criticism after a Brazilian man was shot in the head eight times for sucking on a lollipop.
The man died later in hospital.
