News Headlines
Bush Declares War On Kyrgyzstan
American President, George W. Bush, has declared war on The Republic of Kyrgyzstan.
The country, which borders Tajikistan, Uzbekistan, Kazakhstan and China, was formerly part of the Soviet Union and has been an independent country for 13 years.
The exact reasons why Bush has targeted this country as the next victim in America's 'War on Terror' are unclear, but the President gave this statement yesterday:
"I have been informed by my advisors that Kry-jip-sit-stan has been developing weapons of mass destruction. We must seize these weapons, take them back to the White House and then claim we never found them. More importantly, I am concerned that there is not a single McDonald's restaurant in Kack-gyz-stan. Something must be done about this. Ah yes and my new pal Arnie Swat-my-sticker said there were some crazy people in Krock-gy-stan that need dealing with. He's Australian you know. That's right. And, yes, this more than justifies the attack and almost total destruction of civilisation in Kock-my-stanley. That's it, I'll see you all tomorrow for my victory speech."
Not one to turn down a new lead we, here at The Taxman, went to California and asked Arnold Schwarzenegger himself about the breaking news.
"Yah I have a problem with the people of Kr-Kyr- this country. I conducted a survey there myself which said that 98 percent of these people would rather farm their crops and feed their children than watch Terminator 2: Judgement Day. These people must be bombed."
America isn't likely to go to war without the UK, or rather, win a war without the UK, so to complete our report on this story we went to Downing Street and asked Prime Minister Tony Blair what his thoughts were:
"He's done what now? Er, I mean, yes, of course I support, the President, and will stand by him, through, this fully, justified war, with, um, that country. The British military will travel to, um, that place, and do their best, to save, as many, American troops, as possible. America is our friend and ally, and they can, always, rely, on us, to do, their, dirty work. This war, will, be won. We, will, prevail. And, we will, succeed, in, this war, on terror. Thank you, persons of the media. No more questions please I've got some ministers to fire."
Once again The Taxman brings you the full story and have no doubt that we will be the first newspaper to bring you the latest news from Kyrgyzstan, as we have just sent two of our best reporters to the canteen where they can watch Sky News.
The official pronunciation of Kyrgyzstan is still unknown.
