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Queen Insecure About Living In Palace

The Queen admitted last week that the economic downturn leaves her waking up in a hot sweat at 4am every morning, while often having nightmares that the Crown Jewels have been lost to a giant Ponzi scheme.

Her Royal Highness was speaking last week in her annual address to the nation, but the extended closure of The Taxman offices rendered us too drunk to report the message until this morning. "Christmas is a time for celebration, but this year is a more sombre occasion for many," the Queen said. "We might even be forced to remortgage the palace."

She continued: "Some of those things which could once have been taken for granted suddenly seem less certain and, naturally, give rise to feelings of insecurity. Last night I woke up believing some unbearable American had used an elaborate investments matrix called a Ponzi to melt the Crown Jewels and transport them to Wall Street. Fortunately that was not the case, and I am still the richest woman alive.

"But whether it is the global economy or violence in a distant land, the affects can be keenly felt at home. I know this only too well, living as I do in a 260-bedroom detached property that we'll never be able to shift in this market. As for the gas bills, I dread to think what we'd do without that £7.9 million in taxpayers' money my family receives each year."

The regal revelations preceded more dire predictions for 2009, a year which is now predicted to become the worst since 2008. "No-one will have a job next year, although this will be a bonus for all those who hate their jobs, which if we're honest, is most of us," a spokesman for the Confederation of British Industry said sometime earlier this month. "Oh great, more paperwork," he added.

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