Music Reviews
Simon Cowell: Helping Haiti
What? What's this? Simon Cowell is doing something selfless? Out of the goodness of his heart? What?
Surely, there must be some mistake. This can't possibly be a not-for-profit charity single in aid of the Haiti earthquake fund. This is a Simon Cowell project.
The artists involved - Mariah Carey, Rod Stewart, Kylie, Take That, Leona Lewis et al - have been conned.
Rather than using their star status to boost the Haiti fund, and their own egos, surely, this must instead be some kind of reality TV show whereby the winner will be lauded as the next Jesus before succumbing to an unhealthy addiction to cough medicine.
Cowell must be secretly filming these chumps as they live out their horrendous daily lives. Viewers must be able to vote on which brand of linctus they should buy at the local chemist.
Phone lines will be connected directly to Cowell's bank account, while sales from the cover of REM's wrist-slasher Everybody Hurts are donated to the Cowell Orphan Fighting Fund (COFF).
Haitian orphans are surely being recruited and trained by COFF to compete in Cowell's new ITV2 spin-off series, Earthquake Factor.
A voting panel featuring Cowell and at least two washed-up bimbos will preside over Haitian orphans and child amputees taking part in a series of humiliating singing, dancing and cage-fighting challenges.
The earthquake victims who survive will be rewarded, surely, with the chance to get adopted by Madonna.
Cowell, you're a fucking scumbag, but you're also a fucking genius.
