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For years you have been living in peace, safe in the knowledge that your life expectancy is about 75 years.

Well not anymore. Because we've just discovered a new problem, a new health hazard, a new threat to your blissful life and the joyous lives of your family and friends.

This is a problem so severe, so horrifying, it is likely to result in your grim, premature and violent death.

A flesh-eating virus will start consuming your organs, slowly, one-by-one. Blood will be seeping out from every crevice of your house. Hooded youths will feel compelled to shit on your lawn.

And your children? They'll be overcome by the desire to stab themselves to death.

But really, there is nothing to worry about. Because we have coincidentally launched a brand new product, which can solve this life-threatening problem we've just discovered, and instantly restore your virtual immortality.

So long as you buy our product every week for the rest of your long, worry-free life, nothing apocalyptically bad will happen to you or your family.

Clearly, only a selfish, negligent devil-worshipper would refuse to buy our latest product. But you're not one of those people.

You love your children, don't you?

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