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Are you xenophobic, racist and/or fascist? Fed up with foreigners taking your jobs, raping your wives and fitting your kitchens? Do you feel increasingly isolated in a country that is now basically a Muslim state full of people from Bongo Bongo Land?

Well, we, here at the Daily Mail, know exactly how you feel. So much so, in fact, that we've just fired every immigrant that works for us. We then followed them home and murdered their families. Damn, did that feel good. Oh yeah.

So if you thought we published hate-filled right-wing reactionary propaganda before, you'll be amazed at what we're printing now. We've been liberated and decontaminated from dirty foreign pollution.

Our offices are now racially pure, oozing English conservatism from every crevice. Our reports are laced with yet more small-minded prejudice and bourgeois snobbery. Every page is dripping with latent desire for the return of slavery and re-establishment of a global British empire, founded on the slaughter of native populations and exploitation of natural resources.

So if you dream of a white, British future where homosexuals are murdered at birth and foreigners enslaved, where our freedom to discriminate is universal, where women are tied up and gagged and where our children are taught the comforting 'truth' about climate change; then please join us.

We're a proper British newspaper, breaking the mould to express how we all, deep down, really feel about this horrific multicultural society we live in. If the only place you dare share your neo-con politics is on internet message boards, be frustrated no more. Our letters page is your xenophobic playground. Dive in.

The Daily Mail is going global, and we won't be satisfied until everything is banned. Remember: different is wrong. Change is immoral. Progress is unpatriotic. Fairness is unrealistic. Equality is a threat to your bank account. Don't accept this nonsense.

Buy the Daily Mail.

It's good to hate.

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