There's Truth In Fiction
News: Queen Insecure About Living In Palace
The Queen admitted last week that the economic downturn leaves her waking up in a hot sweat at 4am every morning, while often having nightmares that the Crown Jewels have been lost to a giant Ponzi scheme.
Her Royal Highness was speaking last week in her annual address to the nation, but the extended closure of The Taxman offices rendered us too drunk to report the message until this morning. "Christmas is a time for celebration, but this year is a more sombre occasion for many," the Queen said. "We might even be forced to remortgage the palace."
More...Weather: I'm freezing my fucking balls off
Have a good Christmas everyone? Bet you're glad you didn't spend it chained to a mad Chinaman, locked inside a cell with nothing to eat but dog food. And I don't mean food intended for dogs. Fortunately, my captives were belatedly hit with the festive spirit yesterday and decided to put me back on a plane to England, provided I never write another negative thing about China again, and rebuke my previous report. I have to say, there's nothing better for an asthmatic than to breathe in some clean, fresh smog of a morning. And you've got to taste their dog food, its something else.
More...News: Christmas Cancelled
Christmas this year has been cancelled, as millions of Britons are now unable to consume at the level required.
The recession means that the three core values of Christmas - shopping, spending and eating - are now financially untenable for the average hard-working family, leading to the downfall of capitalism's most cherished payday.
More...Also In The News...
- 2008-10-11: Government Strike Multi-Quadrillion Pound Deal With Devil
- 2008-09-18: Credit Crunch Not As Good As Other Breakfast Cereals
- 2008-08-21: GCSE Exams Now Easier Than Writing Headlines
Also In Features...
- 2008-11-05: From tonight, America no longer dines in hell
- 2008-04-07: Law-abiding citizens can be arseholes too
- 2007-09-05: The man who killed himself
Also In Weather Forecasts...
- 2008-08-09: Apparently, the word smog is an acronym for sado-masochistic olympic games
- 2008-04-12: What do you mean, you want to know what the weather's going to be like?
- 2007-11-17: That global warming thing can't happen quick enough
Also In Music Reviews...
- 2008-06-29: Glastonbury
- 2007-10-10: Radiohead: In Rainbows
- 2007-02-05: Mika: Life In Cartoon Motion
