Features
The idiot's guide to public spending cuts
Because the idiots who run our beloved nation are idiots, they have managed, in ten years of economic prosperity and two years of self-inflicted economic turmoil, to double our national debt. It now stands at £804.2 billion.
This is equivalent to a bank overdraft of £38,000 for someone living on the UK average salary of £26,000. Take a while to pay off, will it not? Well never fear, The Taxman is here.
Earlier this month, that other bunch of idiots, the Conservative Party, outlined their plans to reduce public spending by £23 billion over the course of the next parliament, or £5.75 billion on average each year. The Tory way of achieving this modest cut is, of course, to make the poor poorer and the even poorer shit-poor: freezing public sector pay, slashing benefits, privatising anything that isn't nailed down to Whitehall etc. But there is another way: The Taxman way. Allow us to demonstrate.
The first thing a new British government should do is to cease spending money on things that never get used. Not rocket science, is it Mr Osborne? In fact, it is the very abolition of rocket science itself. It is cutting Trident.
By undertaking such a prudent step, not only would the government save itself £1.8 billion every year on its ridiculous nuclear missile programme, it would also make the world a safer place. Of course, where money is concerned, world peace is only a bonus.
Secondly, a new British government should stop spending money on killing people. As much as the British have a long and celebrated history of killing people, in all manner of bloody and violent ways, we, here at The Taxman, wish to hereby put forward the novel idea that people should no longer be killed. Or, at least, that the money of our peace-loving taxpayers should not be spent on killing.
So what would this save? Well, the £2 billion spent each year on killing people in Iraq is no longer applicable, after the British army realised in April that they had actually killed everyone who lived in the country and therefore ceased operations. However, there are still millions of poor people alive in Afghanistan, and the Ministry of Defence is currently committed to spending £2.6 billion each year on killing them. Well, stop it.
Thirdly, over at the Department for Transport, £0.8 billion is being spent each year on tarmacking Britain's countryside. The Highways Agency calls this "road building". At the The Taxman, we call it environmental desecration, not to mention a traffic jam waiting to happen.
Finally, a new British government should stop spending money on pointless activities that are already being taken care of by non-public bodies. Take, for instance, the promoting of business. The private sector is a beast that spends billions on advertising, lobbying and bribing. Is there anyone who doesn't own a company that thinks the private sector needs any kind of financial assistance in promoting itself? No?
Well, apparently the government does. Until recently, it even had an entire department dedicated to it. Although now part of the Department for Business, Innovation and Skills, the government is still committed to spending £0.8 billion on "promoting business". The DBIS, like its predecessor the DBERR, is also run by Peter Mandelson.
Total savings: £6 billion a year and one less dickhead in the cabinet.
Via four simple steps, we, here at The Taxman, have achieved cuts greater than those so far managed by David Cameron and co. And no poor public sector worker need go without the pay rise they are depending on.
But it doesn't stop there. The government, through its many executive agencies and quangos, is also spending hundreds of millions each year on subsidies to industries as deserving as aviation and fossil-fuel digging. Well, fucking stop it.
Then there are the banks: last year the government spent £85.5 billion on bailing out such noble financial institutions as Lloyds TSB and Royal Bank of Scotland. Yet these banks are still allowed to prosper. The idiots running them are still stinking rich. The Taxman proposes nationalising any bank that is unable to sustain itself independently. Then, 100 per cent of its profits can be spent on reducing the public debt.
One final thought. Earlier this year The Taxman proposed abolishing interest rates. At present, the government is spending £24 billion each year on debt interest payments - equal to the total allocated to each and every local authority in the country.
Imagine your council tax being spent on nothing.
Unfortunately, you don't have to imagine.
*This article was brought to you during one Sunday afternoon by a Taxman reporter with more common sense than economic training.
