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Bored with Brown? Labour letting you down? Looking for a new political party that shares your views? Join the Conservative Party! We share everybody's views - even yours! That's right the Tories are back, and this time, we're here to stay! So get in store today and see for yourself our fine new range of policies.

Feel guilty about the size of your carbon footprint? We'll make you feel better! Our new leader cycles to work! High taxes forcing you to shop at Asda? Don't worry! We'll lower them! Tired of receiving free healthcare? No problem - we'll make you pay for it! Committed a crime? We'll send you to jail! Until you die!

We, here at the Conservative Party, are so dedicated to providing policies for the people that we are running a new competition open to all the people in the country. All you have to do to enter is write down your policy idea on the back of a postcard and send it to us. We shall be picking a winner at random and the prize is to see your policy put into our next election manifesto. Wow - what an offer!

Are you a celebrity? Are you a victim of bullying? Can't beat us? Join us! Are you tempted by bribes? Make it a priority to visit our financial department! We can make it happen! Are you; old, young, rich, poor, black, white, man, woman, gay, straight, none of the above? Then the Conservative Party is for you! We are scientifically proven to remove up to 92% more of public services than any other political party in the UK today. And that's a promise!

Want a new Prime Minister?

The name's David Cameron.