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News: BP plugs oil leak with £50 notes

cash containment diagram

British Petroleum has finally plugged the leaking oil well in the Gulf of Mexico by stuffing it full of rolled fifties.

Millions of the notes were delicately forced into the gaping chasm one mile below the surface on Friday, and the oil giant has today reported that the technically ground-breaking operation has succeeded in capping the well.

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Music: Feeder: Renegades

gramophone

What do you do when a band you've been slating for five years makes a rollicking album of unrelenting bombast and guile, harking back to the roots you've been yearning for and romanticising over, while also outshining every last one of the new rock acts that you've elevated to an undeserved pedestal in the same period?

What do you do, brother, when a band that's become unfashionable, forgotten about, makes the kind of album that gets glued to your gramophone for a month, before ceasing up, forcing you to buy another copy? Slate it of course.

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Weather: I don't need to know the offside rule to know that this World Cup has been fucking hijacked

Coca Cola United

Welcome to South Africa. Once again, The Taxman have sent me packing on a trip to some random country in the middle of some random continent because, apparently, there is something important happening out here.

But what would I know about any sodding football tournament when I'm holed up here in my hotel room vomiting like a 19-year-old in a cider house on his birthday? How did they think a chronic asthmatic would feel 1,200 metres above sea level?

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News: Gaza Doesn't Exist and Neither Does Your Mother, IDF Spokesperson Claims

Milk, Dark and White Chocolate

We're all a bunch of Jew-hating Nazis who deserve to die and if we say anything nasty about Israel again we're going to be sorry, very sorry.

That was the stern "off-the-record" warning to journalists today from Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu, who has also just offered us half-price tickets to the World Cup final and a free bottle of Kosher wine.

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Cartoon

Death approaches 10 Downing Street...  "He's here Prime Minister...", calls the police constable on the door.

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Sukudo

A sukudo puzzle for you to complete!

Simply add any digit between 1 and 9 to each cell in the grid above, until each row and column is full of soul-destroying, mindless tedium. Have fun!

Horrorscope

Sagittarius

A suicidal milkman will distract your attention from the road this week and the subsequent car crash will write-off the new BMW you bought earlier that day.

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