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There's Truth In Fiction

Music: RIP Michael Jackson

The death of Michael Jackson last week shocked me to my core. But that was nothing compared to the shock I had picking up the phone last night. "We've just heard that Jacko's popped it," the voice said. "Who's this?" I asked. "Oh yeah, it's The Taxman," they replied. Why was this shocking? Well, last time I had a call from this paper I was told in no uncertain terms that my puerile, fatuous backside was no longer welcome around The Taxman's dark, cold and disease-ridden newsroom. Something about music critics, arses, elbows and rappers; I think they also said. But in any case, I've now been commissioned to write a tribute to the 'King of Pop'.

My first memory of Michael was in the 1960s. I was sat in my room at college, listening to my brand new wireless radio set. Suddenly, across the airwaves was a sound I thought I'd never hear. A ten-year-old pipsqueek from America telling me - in song form - how to recite the alphabet and count to three. Needless to say, that wireless set never played such filth ever again.

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News: Wind Turbine Objectors Okay With Pylons, PVC Conservatories, Deforestation, More

Vociferous campaigners against plans to build a wind farm in Middle England say they don't have a problem with 100-metre electricity pylons, nor any of the other things that have been forcibly added to or taken away from the rural landscape over the last 10,000 years since modern man first set foot on this forested island.

The new windmills proposed for erection upon one of Britain's best-loved patches of grass may provide enough clean, renewable energy to power five billion patio heaters and at least two-and-a-half billion garden water features, but the Campaign against Upstanding New Turbine Structures (CUNTS) are not satisfied that the suggested benefits of the development will offset the harm caused to a landscape admired for its unnecessary street lamps, oversized conservatories, agricultural scarring and historical deforestation.

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News: The Telegraph Files: Reporters' Shoddy Journalism Techniques Revealed

Journalists at the Daily Telegraph are today implicated by The Taxman, as documents bought at a local newsagent reveal just how darn shoddy they really are.

In exchange for 90p that we would argue was 90p too much, the documents clearly show the depths to which this one-time bastion of good practice and journalistic heritage has plummeted in order to start shifting papers.

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The Taxman is a satirical newspaper conceptualised and entirely written by James Cracknell. All news events depicted on this website are fictional and have not actually taken place, although we, here at The Taxman, expect them to happen in the very near future.

All cartoons drawn by Thomas Cardwell.

All site design, implementation and styling by Ryan J. Bury.

All content of this website © 2006-2009 The Taxman. No rights are given to reprint or redistribute the contents of this site in whole or in part without the express permission of the authors.